In 2019, so many people posted “2020 is going to be my year!” I can’t truly remember if I posted that too, I don’t feel like digging into my social media history, but it’s very likely that i did. Whether I truly believed it or not I’m not sure. Little did I know, it was the year that really jump started a completely new chapter in my life. And not a new chapter like getting a new job in the same career, or buying a house in a similar neighborhood you’ve always lived in. But 2020 was the beginning of so many drastic shifts in my personal and professional life, in addition to my perceptions of life and priorities. I’d like to describe this new beginning as the typical, got a new position, got a new degree, and became a mother but it’s so much more than that.
Throughout my life I have struggled a bit with relationships. My upbringing was not the most emotionally stable. I’m not going to get into the silly details like I’m sitting on a couch talking about life stories that explains all my challenges in life. But.. due to my foundation, I’ve had trouble understanding the definition of “my inner circle”.
My first son was born in October of 2020. Whatever your memory is of that time, for me it was a blur. Another strong wave of COVID was hitting, I had a newborn as a first time mother, my husband was working as a nurse in an ICU, and I was stuck at home. No one wanted to come visit me for 2 reasons.
One being I had a newborn and no one wanted to potentially bring us any illnesses. The other being my husband worked in a hospital directly with COVID patients so they also did not want to catch anything from us. I was inundated with texts saying “if you need anything I’m here please reach out to me!”. We always want to believe these statements, but it’s also very rare that we need to call upon someone who makes this promise who is not in our inner circle.
It was Thanksgiving morning. My son was 6 weeks old. I had started entering the dark moments of what I later found out was post-partum depression. It was starting to snow. My husband was at work. I had run out of formula. My infant’s sole source of food and nutrition. He was colicky, he had crunch feeds, I was paranoid about continuing a bottle past the 1 hour mark of when his lips just touched the nipple because I did not want him to get sick. There was a formula shortage so you were not able to purchase more than 4 containers of formula at a time, that is if you could find the one your child was able to tolerate. I called everyone I knew. I was panicking. Was I really going to leave my house with a 6 week old, in the snow, and bring him to a STORE or worse yet a PHARMACY full of sick people??
I was sleep deprived and scared. Finally 1 person answered one of my desperate calls, she came thru. It was a miracle. It was so hard.. but my son was fed. It was at this exact moment that I knew, I needed to have people in my life who I could depend on. Not only once in a while, but consistently. That respectful mutual relationship with a person who would come thru for you when you needed it most, and you too would come thru for them when they needed you. This is a delicate balance and hard to find. Most people understand this kind of relationship from childhood, for me I didn’t even think about it until I was 32 years old and so my journey began. My new chapter was in creation to find my inner circle. And now, 4 years later, I believe I have truly found that sacred community. I’m happy to share that I have found it all on my own with support along the way of whom I will be forever indebted.
I am happy. I am grateful. My life is full. Stay tuned for future posts discussing the most important people in our lives, how I found them, and what our relationships have grown to become.
