The beginning of the asd journey

It was October 6, 2022, Physician Assistant Day which is usually a pretty smooth day. Maybe I’ll get some of my favorite cookies as a little token gift from my husband. Maybe I’ll hear a shoutout on the radio “Happy Physician Assistant Day!”, read an appreciation email from my organization, some motivating and encouraging texts in one of my coworkers who became friends group chats.. a happy but subtle day. But in 2022 my career took a moment backstage. Tony had his psychology evaluation which was the final evaluation after a number of evals after knowing what all parents who have a child on the spectrum one day come to realize… “something isn’t right”. The whole day was a bit of a blur but these statements really stuck with me. Our psychologist was wonderful, very kind and patient, given the entire session was over Zoom on my iPhone 13 pro. At the end of this evaluation, which my son only qualified for due to scoring <33% as a whole in the preceding evaluations which included cognition, speech, occupational therapy, and physical therapy, I remember him saying these things in this order:
… “Tony’s diagnosis is level 2 nonverbal autism spectrum disorder” …
…”the goal is to unlock whatever is inhibiting his neurological development so he can become more a part of our world” …
…”you will hear from your service coordinator to schedule a meeting with the city administrator to begin therapies” …
…”ABA is play therapy where he will play with all kinds of toys to improve his socialization and comprehension skills” …
…”the diagnosis may go away. You’ll know during his CPSE evaluation when he turns 3″ …
I remember where I was sitting in my house during this part of the evaluation and exactly how I felt. It was a true out of body experience which I can honestly say I have (even today) only experienced during this moment.
I have no idea what my son was doing during this time. I remember shedding tears and feeling like my heart was physically breaking but I didn’t cry out loud. It’s funny the sensations our minds are able to remember. I don’t remember if the tv was on, or if any toys were playing any music, but I remember it was a beautiful bright sunny day and the sun was lighting up my living room with the beautiful natural light that I love about my home. I remember feeling very alone. I was alone.. with Tony and 5 weeks pregnant with his little brother. It’s interesting remembering lighting, pain, and loneliness. My husband was at work patiently waiting for my call to let him know how the evaluation went. But in those first moments after Tony was diagnosed, it was just me, mentally embarking on the journey that I have consistently been navigating ever since.
Looking back on this moment over 2 years later I have no regrets for any of my emotions. I still feel those things but there are so many more powerful positive emotions that override that day. I feel like I have gotten stronger since then. Not only as a mother, but as a woman, healthcare provider, friend, and active member of the autism community.